How to build trust in our family – parenting foster/adopted children. (Manipulation/Lying)?
mommyme asked:
OK, this is the last step for me before I enroll all of us in some good ol’ family counseling – I would deeply appreciate any suggestions on this! We have 3 children that we have adopted through the foster system (all under the age of 8). I am struggling for many reasons (disobedience, etc.) but the primary one is that I don’t trust two of my children. I realize they came from quacky backgrounds and some of their actions are understandable, but how do we function in a family unit without trust? It seems like everytime we turn around we (or grandparents or teachers) are being lied to and manipulated by them. We are always on our toes, and have now become accusatory, too. How can we build the trust in our family? Thanks for you suggestions!
Roger Fairchild
OK, this is the last step for me before I enroll all of us in some good ol’ family counseling – I would deeply appreciate any suggestions on this! We have 3 children that we have adopted through the foster system (all under the age of 8). I am struggling for many reasons (disobedience, etc.) but the primary one is that I don’t trust two of my children. I realize they came from quacky backgrounds and some of their actions are understandable, but how do we function in a family unit without trust? It seems like everytime we turn around we (or grandparents or teachers) are being lied to and manipulated by them. We are always on our toes, and have now become accusatory, too. How can we build the trust in our family? Thanks for you suggestions!
Roger Fairchild
January 30th, 2009 at 5:00 am
I am currently an education major in college and a father of 3. One of the textbooks I have had to use may be of help to you. It is actually not really a textbook but we used it as such in class.
Getting professional help would also be a good idea. These children have obviously had difficult lives so far and they need all the help they can get.
January 30th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
In not saying how long you have had the children in your family I’m left doing a bit of guessing. I would say that the children may have had multiple foster homes and have become survivors in the worst way.
This is only what I feel may be of some help. When the next obvious lie is told accept it fully without any negative kick back by you. Then have something good go wrong. Just as an example: A carton of ice cream that was specifically bought for the children is found in the fridge–melted. Believe all of them when they say they did do it–because it true..you put it in the fridge. On another lie, right before their favorite TV program comes on the “fuse blows.” A favorite book or toy goes missing. Perhaps, after a bit , being survivors they will connect the bad thing lie with the bad thing that happens after some lies. When they give you an opening by asking explain Karma ot just that when you do bad things bad things can happen for the whole family. And, be sure to tell them how sad it makes those who love them.
February 1st, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I think counseling is a great idea. However do not be surprised if they lie to the counselor, as well. Hopefully when they learn to trust you they will start to be more genuine.
I would suggest consistency and follow through. Let them learn your rules and that those rules always apply. Many of the kids who come through the system have had to learn to some very adult survival skills (including lying and manipulation) without the benefit of adult morality and common sense.
A good therapist will give your family homework task that you do outside of therapy and I am sure of these weekly tasks will be designed to build a sense of community and trust. Good Luck!
February 1st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
look up some foster parent support groups on yahoo groups I am part of A_O_K · Adopt_Older_Kids is for anyone who desires to share, learn, listen, support and be supported by others who have been or desire
which is great they have experiance and can help on a day to day basis, with even the little things, Kids do manipulate and lie but foster kids can take this to a new level they have lots of specific issues, I highly suggust joining! also you can find more groups look up foster care on yahoo groups you will find most have adopted through the system. their are alot of books I have heard about too one sounds promising is beyond love,logic, and consequence. I also am starting yahoo group And i would love for you to join to hear about your journey. Please visit milisencingfoster group or e-mail me my best wishes to you
_Jenn
February 4th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Welcome to the world of parenting. It does not matter whether the kids are adopted or from your own egg and your husbands sperm. It seems like you are blaming their behavior on where they came from instead of where they are. let’s face it, it does not matter where they are from, they are with you now: a family. First, I recommend you and your spouse get rid of the notion “their backgrounds” and “where they came from” it sounds like relatives and friends have been a little too nice with advice. From here on out, you are a family. Sneaky or honest, you are in it for the long haul. A family counselor would and can help, but first as parents you need to accept these children as your own and from there–move forward.